When Mr. Alexander J. Luthor (Call me, Lex!) interviewed me, I could tell he was at the end of his rope.  He had done his homework and he had been prepared to lure me away from my current employers.  What he didn’t realize was that I, too, had done my research on him and I knew exactly what sort of predicament he was in.  Had I not felt that my current employers had their lives in order and I could hand them over to my hand-picked replacement, I would never have even returned my future employer’s phone call. 

Once I realized I was calling him my future employer, I knew I would be going to work for Lex Luthor.  I was interviewed in the penthouse one dreary Monday afternoon.  Upon entering, I looked around quickly and catalogued the problems.  First and most obvious was that this residence had not been cleaned properly for some weeks.  Oh it looked clean, but I spotted the telltale fingerprints on the edges of the high gloss dining table, the dust in the corner of the wall length windows, and the barely visible dirt in the crevices between the tiles in the kitchen.

Like other Metropolis residents I knew the story of Bad Boy Luthor’s banishment to Smallville, but I had done more than surface research.  I knew the real dirt.  Always trust a housekeeper to find it.  When Lex had been banished to Smallville by his father, Lionel, for excesses unbecoming of a Luthor – as if there were any – his current housekeeper had moved with her family to the Smallville mansion.  Predictably her daughter developed an obsessive crush on Lex and quite a bit of unpleasantness followed.  End result, the housekeeper and family were gone before the year was up.

A series of undistinguished help numbering in the double digits followed.  Their entrances and departures were mercifully brief.  Research had shown me that their tenure with the Luthor household ended in one of three ways.  First was the sanity defense: Smallville’s bucolic charm wrapped around its weirdness proved too much for housekeepers 1, 4, 7, 11, 13 and 15 and they left of their own volition after seeing one too many unexplainable events, affected individuals, animals, or whatever; take your pick.  Housekeepers 2, 5, 8, 9 and 14…changed, and I’m being delicate here…after ingestion, breathing or contact of some sort with a hitherto unknown anomalous substance.  Then they attacked their employer, professed their undying love and then attacked.  Somehow, it always ended in attacks on Lex Luthor.  Those did not leave as much as they became residents of Belle Reve.  My personal favorite was the reason why housekeepers 3, 6, 10, 12, and 16 were dismissed.  Lionel Luthor bribed them into spying on Lex.  Were they idiots?  As a housekeeper your only loyalty is to your employer.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  Lex Luthor conducted what he felt was a grueling ninety-minute interview.  He covered all the bases.  How I felt about handling two households?  *Been there, done that.*  How were my management skills?  *Quite possibly better than his and more subtle too.*  Would I be able to deal with strong personalities?  *Lionel held no fear for me.*  How did I handle conflict?  *I was the one who minimized the fallout two years ago from the Lempec Sr., Lempec Jr., Milton blowout when four men discovered that Anne Kordinsky, née Milton, was quite a versatile and gifted daughter, wife and mistress.*  My views on traveling, dealing with unforeseen changes in his schedule and my ability to cater events from six to six hundred people were questioned.

In my opinion, Lex was an amateur at interrogation.  When I was interviewing my replacement for my former employers, the successful applicants were questioned for three hours and that was before I tested them on their practical skills.  At the end of the interview I gave Lex my references and he told me that he would be in contact with me.  I went back to my modest townhouse on a tree-lined street in the garden district and completed my packing.  I was unsurprised when my phone rang the next morning.  Lex Luthor was offering me a job.  Housekeeper number 17 had just left.  After brief negotiations on salary and time off, I told Lex that I would begin my employment the next day.

Although I would be at the penthouse to begin work officially on Wednesday, I actually started work within an hour of Luthor’s phone call.  One of my non-negotiable rules is that my employer has no say in how I run the household.  Now that sounds as if I don’t follow my employer’s orders, but I firmly believe that it is up to me to anticipate my employer’s wishes and that way there is no conflict.  What they want is what I do.  Lex wanted a household that was ordered yet flexible.  I would make that happen.

My first order of business was to contract a professional cleaning firm.  I’d used them before and the owner knew how exacting I was.  An hour after filling out paperwork and being coded for access to the penthouse, the cleaning team arrived.  This small army of energetic women spent the next 50 hours getting the penthouse clean with me treading on their heels each step.  Everything was cleaned.  No spot in that apartment was spared a dust-cloth, broom, vacuum or sponge.  I also moved some of my personal effects into the small en-suite off the kitchen.  I knew there would be nights when I‘d be on duty at the penthouse.  The rest of my possessions were sent to Smallville with strict instructions that they be placed in my quarters there.

Although my work addresses would be in Metropolis and Smallville, I did not give up my residence, the small condominium I called my own.  I had discovered there was less wear and tear on my psyche when I knew I had my own place where I could recharge one weekend each month.  Being in the housekeeping business for many years, it had proved expedient to buy duplicates of items I used frequently because, let’s face it, I was paid very well.  I always carried a small utility case with me that contained essentials, although many would be surprised at what I considered indispensable.  As long as I had my case with me I could set up Lex’s household anywhere.

After a command appearance by his son at a charity Lionel Luthor supported, Lex took off in something small and foreign.  Destination, Smallville.  Yes, I know, Lionel Luthor and charity in the same sentence without defrauding between the three words is an oxymoron, however, Lionel had sponsored this event in conjunction with Swann Enterprises.  Scholarships were awarded to promising Astronomy students from universities in the state of Kansas.  

Twenty minutes later I was airborne in the LexCorp helicopter.  That pilot and I would come to know each other very well in the coming years.  For this two hour trip in Lex Luthor’s new Bell 206B-3, I was occupied with supply and personnel lists for the penthouse and the mansion.  With an awkward jerk the craft settled in the designated landing area near the mansion.  In the Smallville night the stars appeared brighter and more numerous, though the bulk of the mansion blocked my view of some of the night sky.  Packing up my work, I nodded thanks to the pilot and girded myself for my Smallville adventure. 

It was close.  Nevertheless, I had the staff waiting for Lex’s arrival when his car coasted to a stop in the circular driveway.  If my employer was shocked that his staff waited to fulfill his wishes after midnight on Saturday, he never showed it.  Lex asked for a light snack since he hadn’t eaten anything at the affair earlier.  Although there was other staff present, I changed the sheets on his bed and aired out his room I while he was eating.  

Thus I missed Clark Kent, though I didn’t know that at the time, storming into Lex’s study and the two men having some sort of altercation.  By the time I walked back to the room to ask if he would need anything else, Clark had gone, and Lex was standing near the liquor cabinet, his entire body vibrating with tension.  Something had happened to ruffle his demeanor within the last ten minutes while I was performing my duties upstairs.  The light snack that had been prepared for Lex remained half-eaten.  From his stance at the bar, it was obvious that the rest of his dinner would be liquid. It wasn’t until I returned to the kitchen that I learnt about our unexpected visitor from the cook.

In the coming days my attention was focused on getting the mansion set to rights and sorting the human capital.  Lex Luthor’s current staff had to be evaluated and I was brutal.  His personnel were either released or kept; those kept would all be retrained.  Refusing retraining was grounds for termination.  It goes without saying that I also had a rotating group of cleaners scouring the mansion daily.  I didn’t know how long Lex would remain in Smallville and I wanted to have his core staff reassembled before he left.  Nothing was sacred; I tore through Luthor’s security, unearthing a drug addict and a mole who worked for Lionel Luther.  The gardener was kept but the mechanic needed an attitude adjustment.  It was a short and bitter fight that ended with a one-way plane ticket to Germany.

From the butler and the cook, I heard about a host of unfortunate incidents in the past that involved my boss.  One name kept popping up though.  Clark Kent.   I couldn’t wait to meet this remarkable young man.  He seemed to have his own private scanner tuned to danger.  He also had an uncanny ability to rescue my boss just after Lex suffered head trauma.  I began to look at Lex with new respect.  That Lex Luthor was functioning at such a high level and giving Lionel fits was a testament to his stamina and possibly something more that was only found in Smallville.  That tangent bore further investigation.

Although I spent my days interviewing, hiring, assessing and training, I set aside time early each morning to explore my new environs.  Less than a week later I found the bizarre, bloated green frogs mating in the lower herb garden.  They were ungainly and unsightly and appeared to be exploring some amphibian variation of a ménage a trios.  I would not have bothered with them except that when I came upon the group of nine, they shuffled into a loose attack formation and spat some substance at me.  Where it landed the herbs shriveled immediately.

Instinctively I knew that Lex would not appreciate environmentalists descending on the mansion with pleas to protect this new species.  And new species it was.  Into the late hours I researched Rana catesbeiana through Leiopelma hamiltoni, the most common and the rarest of frogs, as well as their wide-ranging relatives.  Those frogs in Lex’s garden were a hitherto undiscovered species.  Should Lex decide to visit the herb garden, these animals would be there, poised to spit.  This man was my employer and I would not allow him to be endangered.  Graham, our gardener, took a dim view of frogs messing with his herb garden.  The frogs had to go.  Working with the gardener, we decided to deal with the eviction ourselves.  It took several days but we finally triumphed and assisted those frogs to the amphibious heaven in the sky.  

Since Lex appeared to be working furiously on some project that required continuous phone calls, five dedicated computers and an intravenous coffee feed, I took the afternoon off and drove into the small town center, ostensibly to pick up supplies. In reality I hoped to catch a glimpse of Clark Kent.  The mansion received their fruit and vegetables from Kent Organic, as well as thrice weekly supplies of baked goods, but the delivery person was either a hired hand or Clark’s father, Jonathan Kent.  For a person who everyone said was always there when needed, he was suddenly very elusive.

Sitting in the Talon sipping a tolerable Expresso Macchiato Venti, I contemplated my three weeks in Smallville.  I believed that I had the externalities of my employer’s life well in hand.  It was time to deal with the internal.

“You must be the new housekeeper.”  A red-haired woman wearing an apron approached me. 

Those useful conversations with the cook, whom I had kept, and the butler, who had been fired because he actually worked for Lionel Luthor, helped now. 

“And you must be the incredible Martha Kent who supplies our baked goods.”   I extended my hand and shared a firm handshake with her.

“The curse of a small town,” she smiled warmly unsurprised by my response, “Sooner or later everyone meets everyone else.”

Gesturing at the chair opposite mine, I invited her to sit. 

“How’re you settling in?”

I read no ill will in her question and answered honestly, “It has been busy.  I’ve been making some changes as I’m sure you know.  The goal is Lex’s comfort and safety.”

Her eyebrow arched at my words and her welcome smile shaded slightly.  “Is Lex in danger then?”

“Mom!” 

Interrupting my conversation with Martha Kent was a well-built, handsome young man.  So this was Clark Kent.  He certainly had the looks and body to play the part of a fearless rescuer. 

“Excuse me a minute.  What is it, Clark?”

“Tomorrow’s Senior Ditch Day.  Chloe and I wanted to drive to Grandville and visit Pete.  Would that be all right with you and Dad?”  Clark rushed on with a pleading look on his face. “I haven’t seen him in a while and Chloe thought this would be something fun to do.  I’ll get all my chores done before we leave.”

Nodding, Martha pursed his lips, “I don’t think that would be a problem.  As long as Pete’s also off tomorrow and it’s fine with Judge Ross.  Also, if Chloe’s driving, encourage her to keep to a safe speed.”

Tearing my attention from the teenager and his mother, I happened to glance toward the entrance of the Talon.  Lex had torn himself away from his project and he was hovering near the door.  My immediate thought was to wonder if he felt unwelcome here.  I quickly revised my opinion when I interpreted his expression.  Staring at Clark an unguarded, soft look of yearning crossed his features before he squared his shoulders and approached the couple.

“Just what is a safe speed, Mom?”  Clark asked cheekily.  His back was to Lex.

“It’s the point just before Chloe gets a ticket from Sheriff Adams’ deputies for speeding.”

Sighing dramatically as teenagers are wont to do, Clark opened his mouth to speak again.  Lex Luthor’s cultured tones bridged the silence.

“Did I catch the word speed, Mrs. Kent?  I thought I was the only reckless driver in Smallville.”

“Hello, Lex.”  Martha smiled warmly. 

“Chloe’s a speed freak,”  Clark mumbled.

Lex laughed delightedly.  “Why am I not surprised at that?”

I was fascinated by the tableau unfolding before me.  Lex had moved into Clark’s space and he was leaning in towards the younger man.  This was Alexander J. Luthor whose personal bubble was rarely pierced.  Lex’s sexual history was checkered.  Most of his conquests were women and one-night stands.  He had two failed marriages behind him.  From the Inquisitor headlines of a few years ago I recalled that his name had been linked with only one or two male partners.  As I sat there I knew categorically that Lex was smitten with Clark.  Clark’s body language on the other hand bespoke indecisiveness.  He wasn’t sure what he felt for the older man.  Martha Kent remained open and relaxed.  She accepted the friendship between her son and Lex.  I wondered if she would be as reasonable if the friendship became more.

“Very well, Clark.  It’s fine with me.”  Martha gave her permission. 

Noticing the inquiring look on Lex’s face, Clark said, “Chloe and I are going to visit Pete tomorrow.  It’s Ditch Day.”  Smiling sweetly at Lex while keeping an eye on his mother, Clark continued speaking.  “So, Lex, you wouldn’t want to drive us over to Grandville, would you?”

Chuckling, Lex said, “I’m too afraid of your Mom, Clark.  So, I’m going to reject that suggestion.  Tell you what, though.  Why don’t you and Chloe join me for dinner at Nonni’s?  I have business in Grandville tomorrow afternoon and I plan on having an early dinner before I drive back to the mansion,” Lex offered innocently.

Clark immediately turned pleading eyes to his mother.  “Please, Mom.  It’s Nonni’s.  Their lasagna is the best and they have huge portions.”   The young man corrected himself quickly.  “Not as good as yours, Mom, but pretty good.”

Martha acquiesced.  “I understand, Clark.  I love their tiramisu.  OK, then, Nonni’s for dinner is fine with me.”

“Thanks, Mom.”  Touching Lex fleetingly, Clark threw him a blinding smile before he said, “I’ll see you about six tomorrow.  Gotta run guys.”

“I’ll follow them from Grandville, Mrs. Kent,”  Lex assured the woman.

A moment later Lex was gone leaving Martha and I looking at each other bemused.   Leaning forward, I said to her softly, “They make a nice couple.”  I might as well test the waters now.  Whatever Lex wanted, it was up to me to make sure he got.  Every instinct was screaming at me that he wanted Clark.

Interestingly, Martha opened her mouth to voice what I was sure would be a protest but she pressed her lips together and stood up without saying a word.  However, it was not before I saw realization dawning in her eyes.  There was a lot of history in Martha Kent’s eyes.  Without prior knowledge of Clark, I had just outed him to his mother.  His mother did not react with protests.  Rather, she made me a new cup of espresso and brought it to me.  Nothing more was said either by her or me.  Nevertheless, I tilted my cup to her in thanks.

I used the next few days to do some discreet snooping among the graduating class.  It’s amazing how self-absorbed young people can be and happily they ignored me as I eavesdropped on their conversations.  As I shopped in Fordman’s or sat in a quiet corner of the Talon, conversations ebbed and flowed around me.  I learned that Clark had been a college football hopeful but he had passed it up.  I knew that he had been an item with someone called Alicia who had died and that he had been carrying the torch for Lana for as long as anyone had known him.

Meanwhile, I was conducting the same discreet investigation on my employer.  Lex had been uncharacteristically celibate since he had been found next to a dead one night stand.  He had been exonerated but had not dated in the last few months.  It was fact that the only person with whom he spent any time was Clark, whether being friends or foe at the particular moment depended on the particular strange and unusual incidence du jour.

I pondered my options for getting these two men together.  Lex wanted Clark and I could see how torn Clark was.  He wanted to share so much with Lex but it was as if something hugely personal was preventing him from doing so.  Once I discounted Jonathan Kent’s ongoing dislike of the Luthors as a factor; I was left with a true mystery.  Though, how that man lived with himself after accepting Lex’s kindness and still was able to be morally righteous enough to look down on my boss was unfathomable. 

Since it appeared to be a personal secret, I focused my attention on Clark.  As the summer days between high school graduation and entering college spooled out I found a new hobby – reading back issues of The Torch, Smallville High’s newspaper.  The conclusion I came to was that Clark had a talent for getting into places he shouldn’t be able to.  It was obvious he was a meteor mutant.  That was his secret and the young man was ashamed. 

Armed with the facts I had to put a plan of action in place.  Subtlety wouldn’t work in this instance.  As sweet as Clark was, he was dense.  He had no clue how his harsh words tore at Lex.  Lex, nonetheless, simply cared too much even when Clark was raging at him for some imagined wrong doing.  He would not risk his heart first. 

In the end I decided to go with direct action.  Lex invited Clark to dinner one night.  Well, Lex didn’t but I knew he would be fine with it.  Or he would have been fine with it had he not had a run in with his father earlier that day.  My boss was angry and unsettled by the time Clark entered the castle for dinner.  I had set up dinner in the breakfast room for them.  It is a cozy space with a small dining table and most importantly only one entrance.  I also requested that security run an additional sweep for listening devices prior to dinner.  Lionel just never gave up. 

I kept the meal simple and had the entire meal on the table at the beginning of dinner.  After both men sat down, I cleared my throat and waited until Lex and Clark looked up. 

“I am here to represent the staff.  Don’t take this the wrong way but we would really appreciate it if the two of you would just talk honestly to each other.  All of us believe the tension around here would disappear if you both realize you belong together.”

“Huh—“

“What the—“

Both men began speaking at the same time.  I held up my hand to stop the flow of words. 

“Why don’t I get the ball rolling?”  I really felt sorry for Clark but he was my boss’ choice and I would do my dammedest to make sure my boss got him.  “You, Clark, have special abilities because you are a meteor mutant.  No-one told me.  I just read every copy of the Torch closely and then wandered through the police blotter.  Lex has spent countless hours wondering what your abilities are and it drives him crazy when you accuse him of wrongdoing and then you do things that technically are also wrong.”

I could see that Lex was about to push away from the table, a prelude to stalking from the room.  “Wait, both of you.  You both care for each other and we are all convinced that if you both continue on this path of accusation and distrust, the friendship you both claim to have for each other will be ground to dust.  You will become enemies and I know you don’t want that.  For the sake of friendship, talk to each other.” 

Realizing that Lex and Clark were looking at each with expressions of fear mixed with hope on their faces, I delivered my final shot.  “I am locking you both in this room.  Dinner has been laid out on the table.  The room is clean of bugs.  I will return in an hour. Use the time to talk, please.”

I walked slowly toward the kitchen, my heart pounding in my chest.  I hoped I had done the right thing.  An hour later I received the surprise of my life.  The door appeared to have been blown off its hinges and neither Lex nor Clark was in sight.  Confused I began a full search of the mansion.  Approaching Lex’s bedroom suite I saw that the door was slightly ajar.  A breathy growl stopped me in my tracks.  It is a testament to how well I had acclimatized to Smallville that I immediately thought about meteor-affected dogs.  Quickly making my way to the closet down the hallway, I grabbed a sturdy broom.  I planned to use it as a weapon.  I flung the door open and witnessed Clark and Lex being very honest with each other.  My plan had worked.

I sat at my small desk in the sunny kitchen drinking my second cup of coffee.  Estelle, the new cook, was at the stove preparing breakfast.  It was hard to believe it was fifteen years to the day since I began working with Lex Luthor.  Thankfully, I hadn’t had to take care of Lionel Luthor.  Once Lex and Clark got together, I allowed them a couple of uninterrupted weeks while I ran interference against Lionel, the Kents and Chloe Sullivan. 

I warned them that Lionel would always be a threat to Lex.  He had already tried to bribe me.  I knew he would try to use Lucas again to get what he wanted, which was to seize control of Luthorcorp.   Since Lex enjoyed running Luthorcorp, Lionel could not have it back.   Under my subtle guidance, they combined their abilities to neutralize Lionel.   Eleven months later Lionel and Lucas died in a fatal helicopter accident.  They were mourned by no one.

As I looked out the window watching the newest crop of mutant frogs frolicking in the garden at Smallville, I reflected on a quarter century of memories.  Twenty five years ago, I had been driving through Smallville on my way to begin my first job as a housekeeper when the meteor shower occurred.  Life had taken some interesting turns since then.   To Lex and Clark, I am Letitia Brambley who runs their three households efficiently: the mansion in Smallville, the penthouse in Metropolis which had become their escape hatch for quiet time together, and the two suites, ten-bedroom, eleven and one-half baths townhouse with pool, cabana, greenhouse and detached garage on a quiet cul-de-sac in Metropolis Heights.

I am, however, a mutant whose meteor gift was an extraordinary talent for housekeeping.

End